I’m a Child of Divorce

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

You did not think about me, did you?

I was the burden and obstacle to the life you wanted to live.

All the years over custody battles in court weren’t really for me, right

You forced me to make a choice between you two without hearing my voice.

I was not wild; I was just a child with no proper guide.

I was neither bad nor mad; I was just broken for believing your lie.

You would not understand that expensive stuffs were not things I would die for.

I needed to see love within my family not the fight of you two going on all night.

Was it really just the monster you could see in me instead of your little loving daughter?

Mommy, you could never count the drop of my tears I hold from the fear of leaving you.

You could not even hear the pain I tried to bear with when you left me waiting with the promise that you would play my favorite game with me.

You would put on your make up and be busy at parties leaving me behind craving for the homemade pastries you had no time to make.

Whenever I looked at you, I could only see how lost you were worrying about how much all your shopping will cost.

Daddy, you could never hear my silent screams in my every single dream.

You would drive your car, getting drunk in bars.

Had you turned back to see whenever you used to go, you would have surely found me looking at you from the window feeling so low.

Only for once had you taken me into your arms, I would have reassured myself that you were there for me and would protect me from any harm.

If the news of divorce was freedom and celebration to both of you, for me it was a prison to desperation.

If you had the reason to cheer with champagne, for me it was just an erosion of pain.

If separation would bring peace to both of you, for me it was no less than an explosion to destruction.

But you guys never really care about how I felt, did you?

I was called your mistake without any fault of mine. It had actually never matter to you if I was fine or not.

You snatched the innocence from my childhood and the essence of my adolescence.

I hold that thought aching for years in my chest, when I learned that you would have rejoiced over my absence.

You made me the regret of your life, how could you just forget my existence? Had I truly never mean anything to you?

Mommy, daddy, parents serve as role model for their child!

But I had to tell you that you were anything I did not want to be

You took no steps when I reached out to you for help

You fell asleep when I complained I was living in hell

You never had any word to say when my world was falling apart

I don’t know where home is, I don’t even remember what I was looking for when I roamed the city streets alone in the dark.

I had only one wish which I had to relinquish.

You threw me into this mess, I didn’t ask for it

Thank you mom and dad, for being the biggest test I learnt to pass with time

Please don’t come crying to me begging for forgiveness.

It’s too late now, I can only hate you for letting me down

I have no regrets being punished for the thug life I led

But I hope you spend the rest of your days in shame without ever be able to forget that you have failed as parents,

While I try to make my place where I can start another tale in jail with a new name and finally built without guilt a home with people like my own

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Feeling of Rejection

The worst thing a person can go through is the rejection of family members especially when the family is from your husband side. I tried hard to feel part of the family. However, in family functions his family ignore me by not allowing me to be part of their conversation. They don’t give me eye contact. If I were mute I would have exploded. The only interaction I have with them is when I personally take it upon myself to say something pertaining to the subject matter. Nevertheless their conversation is almost always pertaining to them. No one asks me about myself and how I’m doing, etc. It’s going to be 23 years with this same issue. What should I to do? I’ve decided not to participate any longer in such family functions. And if I do, then it shall be for couple of hours then I’m out. Thank you for listening. 🙂

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School Bullying

The old gold bell finally rang announcing the start of the day.
Through the crowd, I kept my eyes on my dad until the sight of him faded away.
I quickly wiped a little drop of tear rolling down my cheek hoping no one was looking in my way.
Taking a long deep breath, I finally walked courageously towards my new classmates without any further delay.
But they were not in the mood to play and all they could see in me was just one of their next preys.
That was the first time I realised the only thing that could really help me out was to pray.
Spraying me with insults and assaults was their favorite game and they were not going to leave this battle midway.
This continued to happen every single day leaving a raging storm of fears in my heart and turning my whole world gray.
My head under their feet I felt all my dreams crushed below my unheard screams yet they said it was all hearsays
I was going insane every time their cranky laughter echoed in my mind. But perhaps it was too late to stop them from going astray.
All I could see in the mirror was a black blued face in blood with a half fainted smile trying to look okay.
For them, it was just a joke between kids. Little did they know that every blows and scars would forever stay.
From that Monday till today, a haunted life has never slipped away.

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The Last Message

It hit her like an icy breeze, like a slap in her face that took her breath away. Her eyes immediately filled up, and her heart was beating wildly. She could barely move or utter a word. It was a completely unexpected, unbearable shock. All she could do on the spot was breathe deeply and pray for composure. While she shared the room with two of her sisters, and at the time she was spoken to, she was fully absent-minded, unmistakably broken-hearted, and quite unable to believe what had happened. Trying to keep her tears at bay did not help lick her wounds, but rather it further poured salt on them. She had always maintained to hide her very deep emotions of sadness and despair at the sight of anyone belonging to the circle of her family, more particularly. She was mighty successful at it, either. This time, however, was so very hard for her to bear. Her strange quietness, brief answers as well as the unusual impression of loss you get after one glance at her, revealed a lot about how sad and sorrowful was her soul. She knew she was deliberately finding flaw with everything about herself and finding very little to celebrate. She was feeling far from being alive, and her self-belief was at an all-time low. Not having a work to engross herself in, and not having someone to listen or even notice her pain added even more chagrin and melancholy to her soft, broken heart. Going to bed, therefore, was her sole relief. Nothing could fully get her cries but the stillness of night. She, then, could freely be herself. She never needed to fight the urge to cry nor was she obliged to unwillingly keep faking her smiles. She could simply be unveiled from her daily, tiresome acting. “It wasn’t a dream, it was life in its cruelest phase”, she repeatedly murmured to herself. It was incredibly agonizing. She often suffered from a physical pain in her heart, which began with the thought of having to go. Leaving was her one track mind since that very day. Three years passed and none of her wounds got fully healed. However, she learned to cope with her hurts, to accept the fact that not everybody would necessarily possess a caring, innocent heart like hers, and to definitely never ever expect anything from anyone ever existed on earth.

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A lesson on life

people seek adventure. . and that blinds’em from what’s right and wrong.. and at the end you realize that whatever actually seeking is something called hell. but then it’s too late.. you burn and burn until there is nothing left for you.. and then you reach out your hands for someone to pull you out.. and evry one.. abandons you..then you feel something from your back.. pushing you out of the hell.. that someone is the one you left in the hell..and thus at the end  you are out of the hell.. but the scars remain and they burn you for your entire life…and all that remains is guilt…

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Child marriage

One day a child, another day a bride
Nobody cares what’s going to happen to this little life
She was meant to fly high above the sky
Why was she forced to become your wife?
Serving your family with a smile though she is dying inside
She will cry her heart out alone yet will never leave your side
Giving up on her dreams, forgetting how to breathe
She will never complain massaging your feet
You are her everything despite not understanding her feelings
Deep down, she is falling apart with so many sufferings
She did not deserve any of your beatings and bleeding
But she got to live when her own parent left her burning
Her age was to run and dance in the rain
Not to bear so much pain and be savagely chained like a slave
Losing to your cruel games, she will never find her old self again
She was once a beautiful flower, you`ve turned her into a complete disaster

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Far from you

You compelled me to be there again
Without giving me time to explain
Befriending the same fear and pain
Where my imperfect soul wanted to take the whole blame

I never returned to where I belong to
But I’ll always be there for you
Despite all I knew
It’s hard to see memories flew
I still believe it can’t all be true

And when I listened to the songs of your heartache
Remembering those days and places
Filled with faith, grace and craze
Only tears came

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Gone forever

Your last burning sight
Keep haunting my every night
Leaving my heart and mind in an endless fight
You walked away without even giving another try
Despite I want you by my side for life, I will just deny
Through my lies and cries, I whisper in your pain to smile
Coz I dare not think why
When you stop being mine
Feeling so paralyzed, I waited to lose you in the high sky
Gazing for a while till the bright light hurt my eyes
Deeply praying to die upon freeing myself from those broken ties
I finally sighed after your forever gone flight
It was just a time
To wave goodbye!

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Don’t say it

Don’t say it again
Indeed, it is a wrong conjuncture about my way of being
Please, don’t say you read me like a book
Cause, it is not true
Don’t try saying you miss me
Maybe your heart Pines for mine, once and again
But you have no time to meet me anymore
You say it and strives for convincing me
Don’t say you read me like a book
Have you ever seen me crying for your iceness?
Have you ever felt the never ending passage of time?
Don’t say it, boy
Don’t assume I am happy cause I say so
You should know, I say it so as to give you a new chance
But you don’t even listen to my word
Do you know me? No, you don’t
You think you know me enough
But, you don’t know that girl who expects for one call, one message, one single word
You don’t know that girl who says to you Have a great time
After crying her heart out
Indeed, you don’t know that girl who is hurt often by you
Don’t say anything
Don’t insist on repeating you read me like a book
Truly, I am not a fairy tale
I wish I could be a love story you would never forget…

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my first expression

I didn’t ask you why you came into my life
but I keep asking myself why you left me abruptly
I was like a pleasant smile before which
became an expression of sorrow
you came up with explanation of your love story
you went on talking without interruption which was the feature i got attracted to
but all of a sudden you disappeared from my life
there is no word of expression for me at that time
we had talk for one month
but still after five years I keep on thinking about that
I hold many unsent messages and unsent mails
I would rather check your facebook page more than mine
I got so used to it that I know each and every year of events in it
that moment I saw you with your close friends and got to know about your lies
the moment I knew u r not ready to accept my friendship before your friends I got to know the TRUTH
I kept crying days and nights I even didn’t know my tears falling on my cheeks
my pillow used to become so wet I didn’t know I was crying till
my world stopped right there. When I encounter you
many of my festivals went away without my celebration
I rather cried on my birthdays as I could not get your wish
you are the first person who came so close to me
and you remained last person
but u are my friend
I miss your words
I miss your friendship
I miss you when i see films of true friendship
I miss your promise of friendship forever
It doesn’t count the time i was in contact with you
It counts me the words you spoke with me
and here i m a big FRIENDSHIP FAILURE

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